The most honest post Ive ever written

I am a major lover of words. Im not the best writer but words always seem to resonate with me and allow me to find comfort, peace, and even motivation. It is in the words of others that I find the answers to my questions and learn more about myself and what I am capable of.

“We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured - the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic, it’s just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.”


There is no doubt in my mind that i reached a state of ruin. I knew I had reached that point when I couldnt pick myself up off of my closet floor where I had slept for the past 3 nights. Looking back, I know I reached that point when my family and friends feared for my life. I couldnt see it. I had no idea why they were telling me to move on and let go. My best friend even said, "Em, you have to get rid of him. He is toxic." But I thought I was doing the right thing because I had seen so much good in someone and all I wanted was to make them see it to. All I wanted was for him to see what I saw.   

I thought if I stayed and I gave all that I had then he would realize that I was worth changing for. I was worth him giving up the ghosts from his past and allowing me to be his future. It is amazing how fast one person can fall while the other is merely standing still in hesitation not allowing himself to feel anything at all. I dont blame him. He told me often that there was a side of him that I couldnt see. I dont think he realized I could see it. That is why I was so drawn to him. We both had so much pain and darkness to hide. He felt familiar to me and I loved it. 

I gave up so much for him and I was willing to give up more and he wasnt able to give me anything. A very dear person to me taught me an important lesson not too long ago. She taught me that as human beings we can only give as much as we have to a relationship. So, if we have nothing, we can give nothing. I try to look at it as he just didnt have anything to give me and I had everything to give to him. Which to me, is a good sign. Its a good sign because even though I have had to feel so much pain in my life I still have so much love to give to someone else. 

He is a tough guy but when i laid my head on his chest and listened to his heart beat he just felt human. Some one who had been through tough times and allowed those times to change them into a "tough" person. He allowed his pain and trials to change him into someone cold and shut off. I allow my pain and struggles to change me into someone who is grateful for life and for the lessons ive learned along the way. I will always try to  keep my heart and my mind open. 

I know some of you are probably wondering why I am writing this on my blog and not in a journal somewhere that I can keep hidden. And to you, I say...I am done hiding. Hiding your darkness will never help anyone to see the light. But, also, I dont want to forget what I am feeling right now as I type this having spoken to my bishop yesterday. I dont want to forget what it felt like to lay in my sisters bed crying and shaking as she held me and cried with me. I dont want to forget how it felt to have to come home because I couldnt stand one more night in my apartment where I couldnt even sleep in my own bed. 

I do want to remember how happy I was in the beginning. I want to remember the way it felt to see him smile and try to hide it. I want to remember laying on his chest and feeling him breathe. But I want to remember that I deserve someone who can point out those things about me and cherish them. I deserve someone who cares about my dreams and will help me anyway he can to reach them. I deserve someone who will lift me up to the person that God has intended me to be and not pull me down to where they are. I deserve to be shown the same amount of love that I am capable of giving. 

The part that scares me the most is when I think about my future children and how i almost repeated the same cycle. I almost forced them into a life where they would more than likely have been raised by a single mother and never seen a healthy, loving relationship first hand. I feel extremely guilty for that. I deserve to be loved by a man who loves our children more than anything. I deserve to watch my children love and adore their father. 

I am learning that the choices I make now WILL effect my future and my future family. I know that God is preparing me to be a light and strength for others. I know that He has a very special and specific plan for my life. My bishop said yesterday, "Emily, have you ever had the feeling that you are meant to be more and do more with your life?" I told him yes and he said, "That is because you are. You are going to be a light for so many people but you cannot be strong for them until you can be strong for yourself. You already have an incredible light about you that draws people to you but you need to be strong for yourself now so that you can be strong for them later."

My faith in God and His church has been strengthened through this trial. I was not ready to speak to my bishop. I was not ready to admit i was wrong but as soon as I heard him say, "Emily, your Heavenly Father forgives you and He still loves you so much." I knew that Heavenly Father had joined our conversation and He was communicating with me. I am still sad and I feel confused and angry. But I have faith that in time everything will work out and I will get my happily ever after. 

".........Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.”


Love,
    Em

DAY 1

Day 1:

I have eaten a nectarine, a plum, some watermelon, and a few bites of applesauce. I will admit that I ate some boiled cabbage. =( I know, I KNOW!!! I cracked on day one but it could be so much worse. For example, I could have eaten the Reese's peanut butter cups that I am craving so bad right now im pretty sure violence IS the answer. Ok. I'm sorry. I'm moving along.

Today, i really didnt feel like I had much energy. I felt kind of sluggish. I am assuming that is due to the dramatic decrease in my calorie intake though. I haven't been drinking like I should be. So, I need to work on that for the remainder of the day.

I did go for a walk/jog. I feel so strong when I'm running now since i've had my iron. Oh my goodness, it is unreal!!!!! I feel a little unstoppable. It's funny because my mom and I go together but she walks and I jog. And since my legs are twice as long as hers,  im usually way ahead of her but I can still hear her telling the neighbors, "She's a runner but im doing good just to walk." She has lost 33lbs herself since May 28th. She is a rockstar! Sometimes, I am completely amazed at how all three of us ladies (my mom, my sister,and I) have kind of adopted this desire to be healthier and we are all making changes and pushing ourselves to be healthy. If you would have told me 2 years ago that I would be obsessed with nutrition and fitness blogs and training to run races, I would have laughed in your face and told you to go get me a taco. BUT life is crazy and although its SUPER hard sometimes, we can always improve. Always. Even if it takes years of baby steps.

I have been looking at upcoming races in the area and im trying to find one that I have enough time to train for. We will see. But anyway...


So, today I weighed myself at 183.6.

Im off to drink lots and lots of water!!!

-Emily

Inspiration

                                                                EXACTLY!!!

Diets: good or bad?

First order of business, I dyed my hair red. Yes, I am a red head again. And im actually loving it! I would like to get some blonde added in the front but Ill wait on that.

So, the other day I was reading about different diets and I read a little bit about the paleo diet. Ive never tried it and so my opinion is based solely on the website that I read. I have heard of people who have done the diet and it has worked for them but from what I was reading I just dont think it would work for me. And then I started thinking about why people do crazy diets. Why dont we just listen to our bodies and eat what makes us feel good and avoid what makes us feel bad? That sounds easy enough right. But the diet industry is a multi-million dollar business for a reason.

I am not a believer in diets because I think they support the idea that you can eat whatever you want and then go on a short diet, loose weight and not change anything. That will never work. You have to change your habits and relationship with food and exercise for you to be successful. I strongly suggest cleanses though. I love cleanses because it gives me time to give my body a break and really pay attention to how my body is reacting to the foods that I put in it. Do I have more energy or am I feeling tired? Is this food making me feel good or weighing me down? I am a firm believer in listening to our bodies and being able to understand what it is trying to communicate to us. Seriously, that sounds a little crazy but our bodies know what they need and we just need to listen.

I think cleanses are perfectly fine as long as you are not doing them like every week. I have had someone tell me that once a month is fine but honestly, just listen to your body. You will know when you need a break and time to re-evaluate your nutrition. Also, there are some crazy cleanses out there that require you to give up food/nutrients that you really need. I personally, having had gastric bypass, I CANNOT go without those nutrients. More specifically protein. If I do not get enough protein, in a week my protein level will drop, my hair will start falling out and I will feel extremely tired and fatigued. I know that. So, I try to find a cleanse that allows me to incorporate proteins. I have found a cleanse that I am going to do. I am really excited to do it because I haven't done one in awhile and I love the way I feel after. I have so much energy and I just feel around GOOD.

Here is the cleanse I am doing, starting tomorrow:

Day One All fruits except bananas. Your first day will consist of all the fruits you want. It is strongly suggested that you consume lots of melons the first day. Especially watermelon and a loupe. If you limit your fruit consumption to melons, your chances of losing three lbs. on first day are very good.

Day Two All vegetables. You are encouraged to eat until you are stuffed with all the raw or cooked vegetables of your choice. There is no limit on the amount or type. For your complex carbohydrate, you will start day two with a large baked potato for breakfast. You may top the potato with one pat of butter.

Day Three A mixture of fruits and vegetables of your choice. Any amount, any quantity. No bananas yet. No potatoes today.

Day Four Bananas and milk. Today you will eat as many as eight bananas and drink three glasses of milk. This will be combined with the special soup which may be eaten in limited quantities.

Day Five Today is feast day. You will eat beef and tomatoes. Eat two 10 oz. portions of lean beef. Hamburger is OK. Combine this with six whole tomatoes. On day five you must increase your water intake by one quart. This is to cleanse your system of the uric acid you will be producing.

Day Six Beef and vegetables. Today you may eat an unlimited amount of beef and vegetables. Eat to your hearts content.

Day Seven Today your food intake will consist of brown rice, fruit juices and all the vegetables you care to consume.



Tomorrow morning you will be 10-17 lbs. lighter than one week ago. If you desire further weight loss, repeat the program again. You may repeat this program as often as you like, however, it is suggested that you are allowed two glasses of white wine in addition to the instructions on the program. You may substitute champagne for white wine. Under no circumstances are you to drink any other alcoholic beverages with the exception of beer which is allowed. Any liquor (bourbon,vodka, rum) is forbidden. Cream drinks are especially forbidden. You may have an occasional cordial such as creme de menthe or schnapps, but you must always limit yourself to two drinks. If you wine, drink only wine that day. If you have beer, drink only beer that day, etc. Alcohol adds empty calories to your diet. However, after the first week it will help your digestion and settle your stomach.

G.M.’S Wonder Soup

The following soup is intended as a supplement to your diet. It can be eaten any time of the day in virtually unlimited quantities. You are encouraged to consume large quantities of this soup.

28 oz, Water, 6 Large Onions, 2 Green Peppers, Whole Tomatoes (fresh or canned), 1 Head Cabbage, 1 Bunch Celery, 4 Envelopes Lipton Onion Soup Mix, Herbs and Flavouring as desired.

Additional Comments

Vegetables as may be taken in the form of a salad if desired. No dressing except malt, white or wine vinegar, squeezed lemon, garlic, herbs. No more than one tea spoon of oil.

You have been given a recipe for the WONDER SOUP which can be eaten in unlimited quantities. This soup is a supplement while you are on the program and it should be a pleasure to eat. Not everyone likes cabbage, green peppers, calory etc. This recipe is not inflexible. You may substitute vegetables according to your taste. You may add any vegetables you like: asparagus, peas, corn, turnips, green beans, cauliflower, etc. Try to stay away from beans (lima, pinto, kidney, etc.), however, because they tend to be high in calories even though they are very good for you.

Beverages you may consume while on the program :

   1. Water (flavoured with lemon/lime if desired).
   2. Club Soda is OK.
   3. Black Coffee. No cream or cream substitute. No sugar or sweetness.
   4. Black Tea = Herb or Leaf.
   5. Absolutely nothing else except the fruit juices which are part of day seven. No fruit juices before day seven.

How and Why It Works

Day One you are preparing your system for the upcoming programme. Your only source of nutrition is fresh or canned fruits. Fruits are nature’s perfect food. They provide everything you could possibly want to sustain life except total balance and variety.

Day Two starts with a fix of complex carbo-hydrates coupled with an oil dose. This is taken in the morning for energy and balance. The rest of day two consists of vegetables which are virtually calorie free and provide essential nutrients and fibre.

Day Three eliminates the potato because you get your carbohydrates from the fruits. You system is now prepared to start burning excess pounds. You will still have cravings which should start to diminish by day four.

Day Four, bananas, milk and soup sound the strangest and least desirable. You’re in for a surprise. You probably will not eat all the bananas allowed. But they are there for the potassium you have lost and the sodium you may have missed the past three days. You will notice a definite loss of desire for sweets. You will be surprised how easy this day will go.

Day Five, Beef and tomatoes. The beef is for iron and proteins, the tomatoes are for digestion and fibre. Lots and lots of water purifies your system. You should notice colourless urine today. Your allowance calls for the equivalent of five “quarter ponders”. Do not feel you have to eat all this beef. You must eat the six tomatoes.

Day Six is similar to day five, Iron and proteins from beef, Vitamins and fibre from vegetables. By now your system is in a total weight loss inclination. There should be a noticeable difference in the way you look today, compared to day one.

Day Seven finished off the program like a good cigar used to finish off Victorian meals, except much healthier. You have your system under control and it should thank you for the flushing and cleaning you just gave it.


For those of you who follow me on Pinterest, im sure you have seen this cleanse. I pinned it on my "fitness and nutrition" board.  Honestly, im just interested to see if it really works. So, I will blog every day this week and report how I feel and stuff like that. This should be fun! 

Today, I choosing happiness! 

-Emily

Im just a little bean.

I am currently blogging from the Oncology department of the Montgomery County Memorial Hospital in Red Oak, Iowa. Stay calm! I am completely cancer free. I am just receiving treatment for my anemia. I am getting an iron infusion which will take about 5-6 hours.This is my nurse, Jill! She is super cool! I had to take some Benadryl before we could start the iron and it made me super nauseated and made my blood pressure drop to 92/49. Jill keeps saying. "Its because you're such a little bean. If you were a hefty woman you could take that 25 of Beny." She is so funny! So, I am just hanging out with my books and magazines. Thank goodness the hospital has WIFI available to patients. Honestly, the staff here has been super kind and accommodating. I was greeted by the friendly receptionist, whom my mother and I have made friends with. Unfortunately, I cant recall her name. Some friend I am! Anyway, she sent me right on back where I was greeted by a handful of nurses who directed me over to my chair which they had saved just for me because it is over in the far corner of the room which would mean more privacy for me and is directly in front of one of the tv's. They are being so kind to me and taking such good care of me! No lie. I currently have two pillows and a heated blanket. Ive realized the next best thing to cuddling with "someone special" is cuddling up with a heated blanket! Can I get an "AMEN"?! 

Although, I have a sad face in this pic I refuse to complain about having to be here or having this IV in my hand. I am surrounded by people who are battling a tough disease. I have no right to complain. 

So, ill just smile and count my blessings. Because even when life is hard and you have every reason to be sad, you are still blessed. There are so many things around us to be thankful for but we just have to realize it. 

I take my blessings for granted every single day. I guess that is part of being human. 

Well, being here is making me SUPER SUPER SUPER excited to start working here. It seems like such a fun environment. Everyone I have met so far has been way nice to me! That may be because of my mom. She makes friends with EVERYONE and then they automatically love me as well. Seriously, that woman can talk to anyone and anything. Sometimes I have to just walk away because she carries on for so long. I admit sometimes I am so A.D.D. that I cant focus on conversations for very long. I'm working on it. Promise. 

Last night, my mom spoke at a women's conference here at the hospital. She spoke about colon cancer and how it can be prevented. I actually had so much fun. I love health fairs. I am such a nerd. I just love health related topics especially when they relate to women's health. I want to specialize in women's health once I am done with PA school. By the way, I have been figuring things out with school (or at least trying to figure things out....) and I have about 2 years left for my bachelor's degree and then grad school will be another 2-3 years. I cannot imagine how hard these next 5 years are going to be academically but it sure beats the heck out of going to medical school. I have been looking at different PA programs and honestly, I have NO clue where I will go. I guess I will just apply to 5 or so different schools and just hope and pray someone will accept me! 

Anyway, going back to the women's conference last night. I took so many pictures to share with everyone but then I got home and tried to upload them off of my Iphone and it keeps saying there are no photos or video on the device. Hmmm....not sure what the deal is with that but ill try to figure it out. I'll post more about the conference later. 

I am really excited to see how I feel after getting this iron treatment! My sister had the same thing and received the same treatment and she said only a few days later she felt AMAZING! Im interested to see what it will do for my running. 

YES! The Doctors just came on tv. There is something SO sexy about a man in scrubs. =) HOLLA! 

Well, I guess that is all for now. I mean, I will be here for awhile so I will probably blog again.

-Em

Update, YO!

I was going to make video today but I just dont feel like putting make up on and lets face it, y'all do not want to see me without a little makeup! =)

So, yesterday I had been trying to talk myself out of running ALL day long. I would say things like, "Ugh...my head hurts I dont wanna run today..." or "I should probably take today off since  I ran yesterday..." Well, 8pm rolled around and I was like "NO!!! Get off of your lazy butt and RUN!" So, I threw on my yoga pants, long sleeved tshirt, coat and some fuzzy socks to keep me warm. I headed out the door and as I was crossing the street I started hearing dogs barking and I thought, "Oh, great....thats exactly what I need...to be chased by a strange dog in the middle of the night....awesome." Luckily, they were all bark and no bite!

As I was running back, a lady who was walking her little pup asked me, "Are you running? Are you afraid?" HAHA....I dont think people get out and exercise around here. Every now and then I'll see some one out walking but not often. There is a program called Body Boot Camp that a friend of mine goes to. She invited me to come and try it out and see if I want to join. I think ill go try it out next week.

Today, after my run I went for a drive. I just wanted to get out of the house. My favorite thing to do is either go on random walks or drives. I love it! Anyway, I went for a drive all alone and found the PERFECT road to run on. It goes on and on and on forever and its not a residential area so there are no sidewalks but its all farmland. And I didnt pass many cars at all. Maybe like one or two. Im really excited about it!

Oh, some good news! Since, ive been in Iowa I have lost 3lbs!!! So, in 9 days I dropped 3 lbs. If I keep this up I will be at my goal weight by January! YAY! I am excited to be a student again for several reasons. A few being as a student you have access to a pretty sweet gym for almost free. I say almost because you do have to purchase school approved work out clothes but its really not that much and its a one time thing. Also, there are so many opportunities to be healthier. There is the Biggest Winner program where you are guided by trainers and nutritionist as you try to loose weight and there are so many different exercise classes to go to and they are completely free as well! Its really awesome!

Oh, one more thing! I got a job! Yep. I am gonna be working as a Phlebotomist at the local hospital here in Iowa until I go back to school in January. They are gonna pay me $11 an hour and it will be a full time position. The only down side is my shift will start at 6am and the hospital is 30 minutes away...So, i will have to leave at about 5:15am in order to get there on time. But, thats ok I guess! Money is money! I get off work at 4:30, so I would be home at about 5:00pm and I would still have enough time to run before it got too dark outside. Perfect!

Well, thats all for now! Gonna go curl up on the couch with the pup and a fuzzy blanket and watch a movie!

-Em

-Emily

Look who is a VLOGGER!!!!! =)

I thought I would make a video instead of doing another boring post...What do you think? Like the video idea or would you rather me not????

EXCITEMENT and addictions....

OH. MY. GOOOOOOSSSSHHH!!! I cant say too much just yet BUT I am really exciting because I was contacted by a lady from another fitness blog and she offered me the chance to be featured on her blog! YAYAYAYAYAA!!!!

I will let everyone know more when I know more but I am so excited because this is exactly what I need to be able to reach more people! Today is a great day!

Also, I had a doctor's appointment today and I spoke with him a little bit about my fitness routine. I told him that I am running 3-4 times a day and im not exactly sure why I said that because I have been running everyday....oh well! But we talked about switching up workouts and I mentioned that I really want to get into yoga. Ive been to a few classes and while im at school there are free fitness classes on campus which include yoga classes! I would go with my friends and room mates alot! I LOVE yoga! At first, I would just act silly and laugh with my friends at how ridiculous we looked but if you take it seriously you really will get a great workout! It is great for core strengthening and toning. My doctor today actually recommended that I do more yoga because it can benefit my running. So, while I am in Iowa and cannot make it to any yoga classes,I am gonna try to do like online videos. Does anyone know of any good online yoga videos?

Today, while talking to my doctor I realized how important it is that we are proactive with our health care and find a doctor that will be more of a team mate than a drill sargent! I dont take very well to people who tell me what to do or hound me about something. My doctor today was really nice and talked to me about all kinds of health topics. But he also took my personal situation into account and helped me make decisions that were best for ME. I loved that!

I love when I am reminded of how awesome my mom really is. When I walked into the clinic for my appointment, the receptionist said, "Oh, I just love your mom. I worked at her clinic for a little bit and I was so impressed with her!" My mom is super funny, friendly and just "spunky". We are ALOT alike. I think that is why we argue so much! =)

Anyway, today I am gonna go tan a 6:00pm and then I think ill go for an evening run. I love running when the sun is going down. I love watching the sunset. There is something magical about watching the sun rise and set. Love it!

I went grocery shopping today. I just wanted to pick up a few things. Like, avocados, peaches, asparagus, and ya know...bread. Lets talk about that yummy addiction of mine for a minute....I LOVE BREAD! Homemade, buttery, delicious, warm bread. OH...MY....GOSH!! I dont know for sure but im pretty sure its better than cocaine. Ok, im starting to sound crazy...but for real you cannot have french bread dipped in olive oil and balsamic vinegar and not love your life! Come on!

I dont have any pictures right now but ill post again later and have some. Im gonna get better at that, I promise! I know i hate reading blog posts that dont include pictures! So, Ill work on that.

Later!

-Em

Great debate and a face lift!

My mom has been counting down the days until today. Today, is the "Great Debate" between Romney and Obama. I dont want to talk politics here because first of all, im not even gonna act like I know what im talking about when it comes to politics but also, because I feel like politics push people away from each other. Everyone has to fight about who is right and who is wrong...but why cant we just agree to disagree and move on with our lives.

Anyway, my mom and I will be watching the debate tonight! Im really excited to hear what both parties have to say. Plus, I have a major crush on Mitt Romney... What??!!! Im just being real, yo!

Also, I have been trying to update the look of my blog but i think there are a few kinks. I will get those worked out ASAP.

So, when I came home I came with the mindset that I would focus on me and work on improving myself. Well, my mom and I sat down and made a list of things that I would like to work on while I am home. First, I said I want to improve my running. Im not gonna push time so much right now but I do want to build my endurance and be able to run for a longer amount of time.

Second, I said I wanted to tan. I know, I know. But I dont want to look like a member of the Jersey Shore cast or anything. Just a nice, healthy glow will work perfectly. My mom just texted me and said, "I have a meeting at 5:00 but I made your tanning appointment for 5:15." I love her.

I am also getting my hair done! Yep. A fresh start means new hair. This is the color I want...

It's not too blonde but it is lighter than my current color. I think this color is perfect for fall. What do you think?

Also, I am growing my hair out but it has thinned out quite a bit. I am taking daily vitamins and really pushing protein. Does anyone have any other tips for getting long, thick and healthy hair?

Well, I am gonna go eat some lunch and then go for a run before my tanning appointment! Hope everyone is having a great day!

-Em

Fall is the perfect time to heal!

I havent posted in awhile and so, I have a lot of explaining to do...but here's the thing...Im not 100% ready to talk about it all and I may never want to talk about it all because it just hurts too bad. But, I will tell you as much as I am comfortable with at the time being. I was in Provo. I got a pretty good job for a company called Vivint. I met a guy and I took a chance.  I got my heart broken. BAD. I needed to get away from him and everything that reminded me of him on a daily basis before I lost my mind. So, I called my mom and asked if I could come home for a little bit while I try to move on and of course she welcomed me with open arms. But thats all you get for now......

Moving along..............

I am taking this hard time as a way for me to improve my running. Yes. I havent ran in awhile.....not gonna lie. I had been feeling extremely exhausted ALL the time and I went to the doctor for some regular lab work and they discovered that I was severely low in iron. I have iron deficency anemia. I am getting iron infusions via I.V. once a week but I really havent noticed a change in the way I feel. Im seeing a new doctor here in Iowa and im hoping that he will give me a higher dose of iron at one time and maybe that will make a difference? Who knows?!

Anyway, I fell off the bandwagon...but you can ALWAYS get back to running... (I just cringed a little because that is exactly what the guy that broke my heart said to me....hes a runner too...)  I want to enjoy it though. I dont want to focus solely on reaching goals as much as giving myself a time to just think and enjoy all of the blessings that I have in my life.

Speaking of blessings......
I have realized that the greatest blessings in life are the people that God allows us to meet and form bonds with. I reached a very low and dark place while in Provo and my friends were always there for me when I needed them and were even praying and fasting for me and I never even knew it. They are my angels and I have new angels walking into my life everyday. It is incredible! The love I have been shown by my friends and family leaves me speechless.

While I am still hurting and I am still sad, I am going to push myself because I want to come out stronger in the end. So, instead of laying in bed all day and eating my weight in twizzlers (the truth hurts....), I am going to get my butt out of the house run and find reasons every day to push further and fight harder.

Well, I am going for a car ride with my mom... we are both super bored and cant think of anything else to do. So, we are gonna go enjoy the beautiful fall weather and breathe in the nice, crisp air.

Love,
    Emily