The most honest post Ive ever written

I am a major lover of words. Im not the best writer but words always seem to resonate with me and allow me to find comfort, peace, and even motivation. It is in the words of others that I find the answers to my questions and learn more about myself and what I am capable of.

“We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured - the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic, it’s just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.”


There is no doubt in my mind that i reached a state of ruin. I knew I had reached that point when I couldnt pick myself up off of my closet floor where I had slept for the past 3 nights. Looking back, I know I reached that point when my family and friends feared for my life. I couldnt see it. I had no idea why they were telling me to move on and let go. My best friend even said, "Em, you have to get rid of him. He is toxic." But I thought I was doing the right thing because I had seen so much good in someone and all I wanted was to make them see it to. All I wanted was for him to see what I saw.   

I thought if I stayed and I gave all that I had then he would realize that I was worth changing for. I was worth him giving up the ghosts from his past and allowing me to be his future. It is amazing how fast one person can fall while the other is merely standing still in hesitation not allowing himself to feel anything at all. I dont blame him. He told me often that there was a side of him that I couldnt see. I dont think he realized I could see it. That is why I was so drawn to him. We both had so much pain and darkness to hide. He felt familiar to me and I loved it. 

I gave up so much for him and I was willing to give up more and he wasnt able to give me anything. A very dear person to me taught me an important lesson not too long ago. She taught me that as human beings we can only give as much as we have to a relationship. So, if we have nothing, we can give nothing. I try to look at it as he just didnt have anything to give me and I had everything to give to him. Which to me, is a good sign. Its a good sign because even though I have had to feel so much pain in my life I still have so much love to give to someone else. 

He is a tough guy but when i laid my head on his chest and listened to his heart beat he just felt human. Some one who had been through tough times and allowed those times to change them into a "tough" person. He allowed his pain and trials to change him into someone cold and shut off. I allow my pain and struggles to change me into someone who is grateful for life and for the lessons ive learned along the way. I will always try to  keep my heart and my mind open. 

I know some of you are probably wondering why I am writing this on my blog and not in a journal somewhere that I can keep hidden. And to you, I say...I am done hiding. Hiding your darkness will never help anyone to see the light. But, also, I dont want to forget what I am feeling right now as I type this having spoken to my bishop yesterday. I dont want to forget what it felt like to lay in my sisters bed crying and shaking as she held me and cried with me. I dont want to forget how it felt to have to come home because I couldnt stand one more night in my apartment where I couldnt even sleep in my own bed. 

I do want to remember how happy I was in the beginning. I want to remember the way it felt to see him smile and try to hide it. I want to remember laying on his chest and feeling him breathe. But I want to remember that I deserve someone who can point out those things about me and cherish them. I deserve someone who cares about my dreams and will help me anyway he can to reach them. I deserve someone who will lift me up to the person that God has intended me to be and not pull me down to where they are. I deserve to be shown the same amount of love that I am capable of giving. 

The part that scares me the most is when I think about my future children and how i almost repeated the same cycle. I almost forced them into a life where they would more than likely have been raised by a single mother and never seen a healthy, loving relationship first hand. I feel extremely guilty for that. I deserve to be loved by a man who loves our children more than anything. I deserve to watch my children love and adore their father. 

I am learning that the choices I make now WILL effect my future and my future family. I know that God is preparing me to be a light and strength for others. I know that He has a very special and specific plan for my life. My bishop said yesterday, "Emily, have you ever had the feeling that you are meant to be more and do more with your life?" I told him yes and he said, "That is because you are. You are going to be a light for so many people but you cannot be strong for them until you can be strong for yourself. You already have an incredible light about you that draws people to you but you need to be strong for yourself now so that you can be strong for them later."

My faith in God and His church has been strengthened through this trial. I was not ready to speak to my bishop. I was not ready to admit i was wrong but as soon as I heard him say, "Emily, your Heavenly Father forgives you and He still loves you so much." I knew that Heavenly Father had joined our conversation and He was communicating with me. I am still sad and I feel confused and angry. But I have faith that in time everything will work out and I will get my happily ever after. 

".........Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.”


Love,
    Em